Dazed,confused and heartbroken…

This particular blog isn’t funny. It’s horrible.

So I was quitting eventing. Only a few months earlier I would have told you you were mental if you had told me I’d quit. I couldn’t bring myself to stay hammering away on an array of unsuitable horses,in persuit of a dream that was never going to happen. Life had

kicked the shit out of me and I felt pretty lost.

You see,a series of disasters happened. Not small ones either. You may recall that my mother was breeding horses. Along with JJ,there was a lovely grey four year old called Tiger and there was also Henry. All half brothers,all such exciting and smart prospects. I thought I was made. Henry was born chestnut with two blue eyes. He was the most precocious horse I had ever encountered. He was so similar to Jj in personality-bold,independent,proud. He grew into a gorgeous tall grey,and I was making arrangements to bring him home to break him. I went to feed him one day and found him with the most catastrophic injury I have ever seen. There was no hope. I lay with him and held his head,the vet came and injected him and extinguished the brightest of bright sparks. I was devastated.

A few months later,Tiger came in to be broken. The day after he came in,he looked a bit unhappy. It was christmas eve and vets were in short supply but I found one who examined him. Loose flexures of intestine. Shit. We went to the hospital where Jj had survived colic surgery a few years previous. No one could find  Out what was wrong but in the end he had to be put to sleep. Happy christmas. Fuck. Such a waste.

Jj was going well as always. He helped me through all of the bad times and he made me just so happy. I could have looked at him all day. He was my wonder horse. Suddenly he got sore in front. Then he went lame. It looked like laminitis. Don’t be stupid. 17hh hannovarians don’t get laminitis. Yes they do.

We tried so hard. He tried so hard. He wanted to live so badly. I should have put him down much MUCH sooner,but he so wanted to live. I will never stop regretting not acting sooner. I spent thousands on drugs,specialists,flying in farriers-but at every turn,he worsened. Fittingly he was put to sleep at 2pm on the eleventh of the eleventh 2011 with myself,Niall and Mist with him.Remember the fallen.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning,

We will remember them.

I think of him a thousand times a day. I’m sorry. Im sorry for everything. You never deserved a  minute of it.

So,yeah. Life kicked me and it kicked me hard. Mist missed his friend and he was also starting to show signs of wear and tear. I just couldn’t cope. I sat on the sofa and I ate food and I watched NCIS seasons 1-10 and I got fat.  One day about 5 months later,I got off the sofa. I went on a diet and I started getting Mist the diagnosis and treatments he needed. The overwhelming question having quit eventing and lost my rock was, now what the fuck am I going to do?



Published by


I am a Sports horse producer based in Ireland. That sounds very grand....the reality is that life here is crazy-trying to fit four horses,200 cattle,a baby and a husband into a day results in tales of the insane and a feeling of lurching through life with no clue what's going on. I have a keen interest in everything from planets to bones to quantum mechanics,and am a perpetual asker of the question 'why?'.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s