I have been very public about my struggle with postnatal depression. This is not because I require any sort of tea and sympathy,but because Pnd is killing women and decimating lives. Hiding it away helps no one. Part of my learning to balance my life and prevent these episodes involves talking to a psychologist. All very marvellous. Except it isn’t. My shrink is the most humourless fucker I have ever met,to the point that he comes off as odd. He is making me dredge my past to see if any events from way-back-when are causing my Pnd. This is the greatest waste of my time-Im just being honest here. I fail to see how things that happened to me 20 yrs ago are affecting me now. My childhood was unconventional,don’t doubt that bit-but unconventional is not the same as bad. I couldn’t give a flying fuck about most of the stuff he is digging at-I have zero emotional connection to most things that happened before lunchtime today…. How does all this dredging help me deal with my life now? I don’t need to understand why my parents divorced or why I hated boarding school-I need to understand how to manage my life NOW. TODAY. TOMORROW. The shrink keeps saying that my pragmatic up-and-at-em attitude is a coping mechanism. What then is the alternative? Fall on the floor and sob? Moan to any passing stray dog? No one else is going to listen to you,they have their own crap going on.I feel like he is trying to encourage a victim mentality in me,and that is something that I simply can’t tolerate.
I have learned the following in the last 10 days-I NEED to ride my horses. They are the part of my life that remains MINE,that isn’t cooking or cleaning or changing nappies or doing the shopping or any of that other mind numbing crap. When I don’t get to ride for a few days-blammo-instant depression,just add water. I have also learned that I need to be less invested in other people’s problems. It is possible to be sympathetic and helpful without drowning yourself mentally-I just need to work out how.
Sunshine is no ordinary horse. I bought her in October from my wonderful friends in Donegal. She was typically beautifully handled and I loved how she jumped loose. She was easy to break and she has been the most timely horse imaginable for me. She has it all. Scopey,careful,text book limbs and SO intelligent. She has the lightest mouth and is so responsive to ride. She is looking to work with you and she improves 50% every day. I have searched high and low for this horse,and I can’t wait to see how she progresses. Today we did a bit of grid work and she was just outstanding. Balanced,careful and always looking. The elder statesman of the yard-Mist-also had a jump. He seldom does grid work and he was caught out as he Daffy ducked his way around with no brakes and a LOT of joie de vivre. He has atrocious balance,and at 13 that can’t change so I just adapt what I do to suit him. It just seems bizarre to have such a rideable and well balanced breaker,and a downhill toboggan of an older horse. I learn from these two every single day and they give my head peace in the most special way.
I ordered Charlie a rocking horse on line. From Germany,if you don’t mind. Score. I LOVE german horses,sure it’s bound to be bay. Nope. It’s a poxy Appaloosa. I hate spotty animals,they are always trouble-Appaloosas,Dalmatians,cheetahs. Anyway,Charlie loves ‘spotty’ so I suppose il have to live with it…There was a ‘moment’ with my husband regarding Spotty-he wasn’t best impressed about yet another ‘indoors Misty’ and his disgust deepened when he learned that I had taken the batteries from the TV remote to power Spotty up. Hey-you picked me,husband….